A Letter to P. Wee Sitts, Chairperson, Babysitters Local 151
Dear Mr. Sitts,
As pertaining to your list of "tactics" outlined so convienently in the comments section of the previous post, I avow that strong repercussions will occur against the babysitting industry if any or all such "tactics" actually ever occur. All of the babysitters you have surreptiously drawn into your "union" will experience the full extent of our wrath. To wit:
The "total devastation of the diaper industry" will be met with devastation in like kind to both the soft drink industry and the cable television networks, two necessities you rely upon to ensure the happiness and survival of your flock of adolescent, indentured servants.
Each whiff of "asparagus scented baby wipes" shall be met with the delivery of self-detonating skunk oil aromatherapy kits to your home, the employed sitter's home, and the home of the employed sitter's "steady boyfriend."
To "required weekly teacher conferencing" we will enforce mandatory convention hall visitor greeting duties - 30 hours, weekly.
To the Brinks Home Security's Babysitter Panic Button (which alerts the venue over the PA when your sitter has "had enough" - flashing a photo of you and your wife with "RED ALERT" on a screen) we will implement the Brinks Home Security's Babysitter Panic Button Evader that will respond to false emergency babysitter calls with a live video feed of our field agents as they approach each employed sitter's parent's house to deliver transcripts of that sitter's last twenty phone conversations with their "steady boyfriend."
To "ad placement in every major newspaper in America which scientifically links parents who don't forcibly administer cod-liver-oil to their kids with marked increase in gang violence," we will also place ads in periodicals on a national level, a simple campaign really, the headline "Babysitters Wield Lies" followed by bullet points from the pamphlet entitled "Tips for Tips, Squeezing Extra Dollars from Tipsy Parents" that your organization distributed at last years 26th Annual International Babysitter's Convention in Anaheim, CA.
To "Loudspeakers playing ice-cream-truck music on your street at 10:00 pm on school night" we offer loudspeakers playing a loop of Peter Cetera's "Apple of Your Daddy's Eye" at midnight at an obnoxiously high volume, of coarse-a-ly.
To "etc" we say, "ad infinitum. . ."
Bring it on Sitts.
Sincerely,
The Coalition of Parents, Oddfellows, and Firehouse Loiterers
Posted by Red Chuck at December 21, 2005 04:48 PM