Red Chuck

The Worst Christmas Message Ever

This has got to be the worst Christmas message I have ever received. This comes from an old friend of mine in SC. He called at 9 in the morning on Dec 24th. Yow. That must have been one hell of a party. Anyway, let me say first off, he is not a redneck. Low country, yes. Redneck, no, but given enough refreshments, it seems... well, you be the judge.

Of course, I used Garageband to record this off the phone. So then I had to put an out of tune guitar loop and some amp noise underneath it to make things a little more colorful. Enjoy.

Y

Man, I hate those W stickers so much. So here's the Red Chuck take on those lame ass Republican bumper brag badges. If you see a better parody out there, lemme know. Otherwise I'm gonna see about getting a bunch of these printed up. Want one?

Molvania: A Land untouched by Modern Dentistry

I'm giving this book to a certain member of my family this year for Christmas.

After purchasing it on Amazon, I was pleased to find out that there are other Jetlag Travel Guides.

I think Phaic Tan: Sunstroke on a Shoestring also looks quite good.

For too long now Phaic Tan has been closed off from the outside world, a country visited each year by just a handful of hardy travellers, aid agency workers and hostage negotiators. But now, thanks to this fully up-dated Jetlag guide, everything you need to know about planning a trip to Phaic Tan, birthplace of the trouser press and irritable bowel syndrome, is here.

But it was the list of common expressions that really sealed the deal for me on buying the Molvania book.

Krokystrokiskiaskya!

Trees Talk Too!

I have many questions for Geraldine and Ricky, but I am very scared of them.

Karatist Preacher

Web Design 2005

Forty Media takes a stab at predicting next year's web design trends. There are some interesting links on this page, some humorous and some educational. I especially like the web smart palette link which I wish I had been aware of when I was making color decisions for Campaignvoice.com. I'm not so sure about the Wicked Worn look but the tutorials look interesting.

Grammy

Breezing through the NYT list of Grammy nominees this morning I was pleased to see the following nominations.

Things to do before the Inaugural

1. Get that abortion you've always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your Social Security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you've been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from library before they're banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
11. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
12. Jam in all the Alzheimer's stem cell research you can.
13. Stay out late before the curfews start.
14. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his "accident".
15. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
16. Use the phrase - "you can't do that - this is America".
17. If you're white - marry a black person, if you're black - marry a white person.
18. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
19. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
20. Start your school day without a prayer.
21. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
22. Learn French.
23. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
24. Take a factory tour anywhere in the US.
25. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
26. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
27. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
28. Visit Alaska before "The Big Spill".
29. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.

How to Pick the Right Color

Paint half the room one color. Decide you don't like the color. Drive west. Enter hardware superstore. Find paint department. Pick a seemingly tasteful color. Wait in line. Ask paint department team member to mix color you have selected. Wait. Observe mixed color. Realize you have to buy mixed color. Ask paint department team member if he can lighten the color. Wait. Observe result. Ask paint department team member if he can lighten the color again. Wait. Observe result. Begrudgingly agree to purchase quart of paint. Wait in line. Make purchase. Walk to car in the rain. Retrieve keys from pocket. Drop newly bought quart of paint. Watch paint fill plastic bag as it gushes from can. Observe color of drops that leak from plastic bag. Decide that that color is still too dark. Hand off bladder-like plastic sack to parking lot team member who offers to dispose of bag o' paint. Drive home. Decide the color you started with looks just great.

We Don't Need No Litigation

The NME is reporting that the kids that sang the chorus on Pink Floyd's "Another Brick in the Wall" want their royalty checks.

Which reminds me, when did the practice of paying performance royalties end anyway? Wasn't it sometime in the 70s? And didn't Elton John have something to do with it?